I Am Afraid, Am I Alone?

I am at the point where my gut is twisting and my sense of helplessness is turning into rage.  Do I just withdraw from the world…no TV, no newspapers, no social media, no contact with anything or anyone outside my own safe circle, my cocoon, my womb?

I have never claimed to be a political strategist.  I am not one to enter debates on who is correct, the left or the right.  I am not a member of either major political party.  I vote in every election and I allow my own internal compass to guide my choices.  I was raised with a certain set of beliefs and in my 77 years of living have come to embrace an approach to living in a society that is inclusive, accepting, compassionate, and gives the benefit of the doubt.  I often think, “there but for the grace of God, go I.”  Sometimes this makes me feel wishy-washy and I ask myself, what do I stand for?  I try not to judge the choices of others because I do not live in their skin and their reality is not my reality.  I hope that their choices “do no harm” and I try to ensure that my choices do no harm either.  I try to surround myself with those who are “life-giving” to me, that lift me up and do not drain energy from me like a pin puncture in a balloon.  I believe that we are all just trying to do life.  For me, this gives me a sense of peace that includes tremendous gratitude for the joy in my life.

I have always been proud to be an American.  I still get teary when I sing the national anthem.  It fills my heart to think that the US is an ally to so many other nations and that with them, has tried to protect and preserve life.  As a grandchild of immigrants, I appreciate having had the ability to have opportunities and choices to improve my life available to me.  I always want our country to be a light in the darkness.

In recent years, I have become aware that what I was taught as a child, from adults, textbooks, teachers and other voices of authority has not been accurate or even the truth; that there is a much bigger picture.  I now understand that the victors write the history looking through their window which only tells their version and I have tried to pursue the truth through my own reading and listening.  It is often upsetting and saddening, but I have trusted in the structure of our government.  I have believed that our constitution and founding fathers design a system of government that has checks and balances, that our congress (senators and representatives) is the voice of the people, and that no one person can harm the country because the rest would stand up for what is in keeping with who we are as a nation.  And I have carried the trust and hope that in the end, things will self-correct.  Today, I feel so naive.

Since 2016 I have watched the division that has threatened to destroy our nation.  I have watched my neighborhood, organizations, friends and family become polarized.  I have seen people I know and care about take a position that is not aligned with my approach to life.  I have respected their right to do so, knowing I don’t have to agree with them.  I have even thought that some of this chaos is good.  We are talking about things that have always been unspoken or unacknowledged.  I know that change can only occur by “unfreezing” the status quo and that can seem messy.  But recently, I find my heart troubled and I feel afraid.  I do not see any self-correcting action occurring and I do not trust, in any way, the captain of this run-away train.

This morning, I read this article in The Atlantic magazine, Trump Goes All In On Racism, and I felt sick-to-my-stomach.  Anxiety seemed to wash over me.  This weekend I spent time loving my two youngest grandchildren and I felt afraid for them.  They still have a life ahead of them, they are little, innocent, multi-racial and dependent upon the adults to preserve their world.

I do not support, nor approve of, nor excuse the actions, words, or approaches demonstrated by Donald Trump.  The deceit and out-right lies erode our nation’s sense of identity.  Being allowed to speak as a racist and “proud of it” with no backlash is intolerable to me.  I am no longer entertained by the absurdities pointed out by television comedians.  I can no longer roll my eyes and say that is just who he is.   I am afraid.  I’m afraid that our nation is becoming numb to his outrageousness.  And this numbness is going to be smoke screen that will keep us from seeing in time, a destruction of all I hold dear.  

I used to remain silent when others defended him by saying, “Look at how strong the economy is!”  “Look at the employment figures.”  “I may not like him as a person but he seems good for the country!”  I didn’t know how to argue against that even though it felt wrong to me.  Do the ends justify the means?  And what about unintended consequences?

In Italian we have a word, “BASTA!”  It means “Enough!”  My grandparents used to say it to us children when we were running wild and making noise.  My heart is screaming, “BASTA!” to Donald Trump and I really don’t know what to do.  Am I alone in this?