I Am A Docent - My Baptism of Fire!

Aging is good news and bad news!  The bad news is that I am more aware of the fact that I have an expiration date.  I check the obituaries to see if any names are familiar.  I don’t recognize my arm when wearing a short sleeved shirt and I reach for a coffee cup on a high shelf.  That said, as I age and find my life continually expanding, growing richer and more rewarding.  My normal state is…”HAPPY!”

I just read the book Women Rowing North: Navigating Life’s Currents and Flourishing As We Age written by psychologist Mary Pipher and I felt like she was taking notes inside my head.  She clearly states the challenges and losses that accompany aging but she finds that most older women are deeply happy and filled with gratitude for the gifts of life. Their struggles help them grow into the authentic, empathetic, and wise people they have always wanted to be. YES!!

I just celebrated my 77^th birthday…my son, Marc, said it is my “hockey birthday”…two hockey sticks!  I am blessed with good health, a loving husband, children who “invite me in” and let me share in their lives, little grandchildren to keep me getting up and down from the floor, good friends who keep me honest, beautiful surroundings that keep in touch with nature, and opportunities to continually redefine myself.

One such opportunity was to complete my training as a Los Serenos Docent at our local Palos Verdes Interpretive Center.  After 6 months of deliciously informative classes on everything from ocean currents to sea life to geology to whales to native plants to Tongva Indians, I received my official Docent shirt and badge.  Now I get to shadow other veteran docents and decide where I would like to donate my time and energies.

My first activity was to help with a class of 5^th graders who were on a field trip to visit our tidepools on Abalone Cove.  The day was sunny, the children were eager, and off I went sweeping up the tail of a group of 7 students.  It was a success in that it made me aware that as much as I enjoyed the beauty, the air, the children…this activity was NOT FOR ME.  I am not as steady on my feet as I thought I would be. Navigating the steep trail down to the tidepools and crossing the distance of large smooth rocks was too much of a challenge.  I need to stay up on dry land.

The second activity was yesterday where I was going to “shadow” other experienced docents conduct a tour of our Interpretive Center, taking groups of 2^nd graders to various stations and talking about the whales, the native plants, the three habitats of our area and ocean pollution.  I was going to learn from watching.

But as fate would have it, one of the experienced docents didn’t show up and I was thrust into his position!  “You will do fine” the others said to me.  I looked down at the 10 little faces surrounding me, eager smiles, dancing eyes and all of a sudden I was thrown back about 40 years and I was a teacher again.  “Follow me in a single file” and we were off!  I had a wonderful time showing them all the things I have come to love. 

“What do you think the Tongvas ate?  There was no Von’s market!  Do you see this prickly pear?” 

“Did you know there were fish living millions of years ago? How do we know? Who knows what a fossil is?  Can anyone find a fossil on these stones?”

“Who knows what the word ‘migration’ means? (They ALL knew that word…that someone lives in one place and wants to move to another place!)  Whales migrate from way up north in cold Alaska, swimming right by us here, to get down to Baja Mexico. Do you know how long it takes them to swim that far?  How do you spot a whale in the water?  Look there…is that a spout?”

2 ½ hours later, I was driving home feeling tired but feeling so ALIVE.  Mary Pipher is correct as far as I am concerned when she writes: “If we can keep our wits about us, think clearly, and manage our emotions skillfully, we will experience a joyous time of our lives.”

p.s. Point Vicente Interpretive Center will hold its annual event, Whale of a Day, on April 13 from 10 am to 4 pm.  It is a free day of fun for all ages!

I Am A Blessed Woman - Life in 2018

It has been months since I have posted a blog.  I guess that means I "have a life!"  The other day Charlotte told me that she laughs when someone will comment on how nice it is for her to have a mother-in-love who is so available to her to help out with the kids. She said they think I am just sitting around the house waiting for her to call.  She told them she has to calendar her needs in advance so they get on my calendar!

As December 31st approaches, I consider how fortunate Jay and I are to have such a rich life...rich in people we love, good friends, good health, stimulating activities and beautiful setting in Southern California.  Here are the highlights of the year for us and for our family.

This year:

Jay and I traveled... to Seattle, Montreal, Quebec, Athens and the Greek Isles.

I stopped coloring my hair and claimed my natural color.

Gabriel made a touchdown!

Jessie started attending Annie’s Newport Academy at Phases.

Joe continued to grow his dog-boarding business in Acton with a special emphasis on dog rescue.

Marc continued to grow his business with new clients (Indian Motorcycle), moved to new quarters and traveled to Germany and Italy for clients.

Mike is in his 24^th season working with the LA Kings/AEG and received a promotion to Vice President, Marketing, Communications and Content.

Gabriel got his driver’s license.

I started training to be a Los Serreno Docent at the PV Interpretive Center.

Gino transitioned to a Montessori Preschool.

I attended Michelle Obama’s Book Tour “Becoming” with Milli and Charlotte.

Had “Mondays with Mima” every week with Gino and Jessie.

We acquired a Chinese Grandson when Phoenix arrived as a foreign exchange student to Mike and Milli’s.

I rode on the Goodyear Blimp with my brother, Fred.

Jay bought new golf clubs!

I made seat-covers for our golf cart.

Walked and talked regularly with my BFF Cindy.  Better than the best therapist!! She keeps me honest.

We attended Water Aerobic classes

Jay and I finally took care of our "last wishes" and made our cremation arrangements!

Gabriel had his first “hockey fight” and received a 2 game suspension.

Attended Grandparents Day with Gabriel and Phoenix.

I joined a Writers' Group.

We participated in Omnilore classes and the Omnilore Curriculum committee.

I knit 15 items.

I read 70 Books and continued to participate in our Best Sellers' Book Group.

So I would say we squeezed every ounce of goodness, happiness and love out of our 365 days while making a real effort to only focusing on the positive and sweeping away the negative. (Yes, there was negative too!)  Thank you to all of you who are part of the fabric of our lives. 

I am a blessed woman!

I Am A Work in Progress – Trying to Claim my Authenticity

There are numerous articles written on how to discover yourself.  They are mostly targeting adolescence and young adults trying to find their way in life.  Where do I find a manual for a woman who finds herself between 65 years and death, a woman who wants to be authentic?  

Each phase of life seems to be a time of discovery… a shedding of a skin that no longer fits and an evolution into a more fully developed being.  It goes beyond deciding to no longer color my graying hair.  It is a personal soul-searching, trying to claim the person I am discovering myself to be.  What do I do with this discovery?  How do I live it?  How do I continue to be embracing of all, respectful of others’ positions, honoring the differences while not having to hide what is in the depth of my being?

I was never really an activist.  I didn’t burn my bra.  I have not joined marches. I was not a “flower-child” in the 60’s.  I was a young mother trying to feed my children and sew my curtains.  I have struggled to discover my truth and it is hard, because I am able to see different points of view and I get confused.  Like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof,  I say “on the one hand…” but “on the other hand…”  I am able see the rationale that is buried in the position of someone who may differ from me.  This  makes me feel wishy-washy.  I ask myself “Where do I really stand?  What do I really value?  What is my honest opinion?”

I find these days of political turmoil and division in society very painful. I read the newspapers, magazines and “tweets” and I am filled with reaction.   I am a social person and I value the friendships that I have formed over the years.  And while I may hear a dear friend voice an opinion with which I do not concur, I honor my friend’s right to hold that opinion.  Yet it does can place me in a difficult position.  Do I say nothing…just smile…accept what they say…and keep the peace?  Do I say something…honor my position…speak my truth, hopefully in a civil manner, and risk alienating my friend? 

I do not like discord; I avoid confrontation.  I recall being told that I was unrealistic…a dreamer.  I want everyone to get along and it can’t always be like that.

So my current journey is to first try to identify my real values.  What do I hold non-negotiable?  What will I hold on to no matter what, my true North?  I pretend I am in a rowboat and it is sinking.  In the boat with me are all the things I hold dear…and I ask myself, “What am I willing to throw out to keep the boat from sinking?” 

What I am left with in the boat are always the same things.  

First of all it is Life, that sense of being fully alive, filled with a spirit that makes me who I am. I have always known that there are those who “give me life,” energize me and make me feel more myself…my Life-givers.  And there are those who “deplete my life,” with whom I feel the life in me being sucked out, like a balloon being deflated.  I want to be a Life-giver not a Life-taker.  I want to be with Life-givers and avoid Life-takers.  It is Love, being connected in the heart to others, my family and friends.  It is Respect for myself and for others, acknowledging that no one is better than another.  It is Compassion knowing that everyone is just trying to do life and we are all trying to help each other home.  It is Integrity being able to trust the honesty in my words and actions, and those of others. It is Hope, that there is always possibility.   These are the values I hold dear and I think describe my soul.

The next step for me is to allow these values to guide me and shape my priorities.  If I believe that my presence on this planet has something to contribute to the greater good, than I have to be authentic and put it out there. It does not mean that others must agree.  While it might not be right for others, it is right for me.  

I am stumbling around these days trying to be true to myself, to share my truth.  In our present arena, when so much flies in the face of my own personal values I am not as brave as I wish I were.  I am reminded of the quote “All it takes for Evil to triumph is for good men (and women) to do nothing (remain silent.)” How do I contribute to the common discourse in conversations, writings, social media?  This is my dilemma and my challenge; to do so in a way that imparts Life, Love, Respect, Compassion, Integrity and Hope. 

Stay tuned….

I Am ALMOST A Silver Fox - Going Gray

How wonderful is the human psyche!!!  Thoughout my life, when I have thought of some potentially difficult, anticipated time in my future, I have wondered how I would be able to “deal with” it.  And yet, when the time came, something inside me had shifted and I discovered that I was ready for this new event.  I especially think of this now as I am in the later phases of my life and many of those future events have arrived and are my new present.

One of those future events was knowing when the time was right to “give up the bottle,” to stop my monthly appointment with Sebastian, to have him carefully apply color #12 to hide my roots and keep my crowning glory a lovely, luxurious brunette.  For the last couple of years the thought would fleetingly cross my mind, but I would say, “No, not yet!”  I would ask Jay for his opinion and he would say, “No, not yet!”  Were we both trying to hold back time?  I was hesitant because the image I hold of myself in my mind’s eye is of a vibrant, alive, 40 year old woman.  

I was not yet ready to be elderly.  I did not want to be seen as elderly and I did not want to be treated as elderly.  And, I guess Jay didn’t want to think he had an elderly wife!

But as time has passed, I am reminded each morning that the woman I see in the mirror is not 40 years old.  I have fine wrinkle lines on my cheeks that remind me of  my mother.  The skin is no longer tight and elastic, but is soft and “squishy” (to quote Gino). My complexion is varied and dotted with occasional age spots.  And the graying roots of my hair are outlining my face.  I am trying to get to know this woman.  

When I sit quietly with her and take a simple internal inventory, I discover that this woman is in a good place.  She is content with her life.  She is no longer running on a treadmill, trying to prove herself worthy, trying to please everyone, trying to control the world.  She is at peace and grateful for all the good in her life.  She worries much less.  She knows she is loved by those who are important to her and she is happy.  I can see this in her face when I look at her in the mirror.  She is ready to embrace her natural hair.  At least, she is ready to try.

So a month ago, I had Sebastian just cut and blow dry my hair.  He is not quite sure I am ready, but he is being supportive.  Jay says, “Go for it!”  My sons say since they currently have more gray hair showing than I do that it would balance the scales if their mom was also gray.  My daughters assure me that I am not loved for my hair but for my heart.  So I will see how it goes.  I don’t know what my natural hair will look like.  Who knows, maybe I will be a Silver Fox!

It has been one month since I began this “going gray journey!”  The passage has been interesting.  Each day, as I checked in the mirror, I saw a little more gray and instead of making me feel older, it made me feel energized…happy…authentic…as if I was “claiming” myself.  

I would catch Jay looking at me and ask, “Do you feel like you are sitting next to your mother?”  He would laugh and say, “No, in fact, I like it!”

Here are my before and after (first haircut) pictures:  By the next haircut, all the colored “highlights” should be gone.  

The only concern I am still holding on to is the reaction of Gino and Jessie, who have not seen it yet.  They notice every little thing.  Once after I washed my face (and was minus my “enhanced” eyebrows) Gino asked, “What happened to your face?  Why is it a new face?”  

What is my lesson in this?  I guess it is to trust in life.  To just show up for it and let it happen.  There are still some potentially difficult, anticipated times in my future.  I can try to prepare but I can also hold on to the knowledge that when the time comes, I will be able to handle it.

Stay tuned…

I Am A Grandmother - A Weekend with Mima

It is 6:30 am.  I listen and the house is so quiet.  There is no music from Peppa Pig playing on the TV.  There are no little voices screeching, “Mima, Mima,” “No Jessie!”  “Mine!” “Let’s go outside,” “Panda Cookies, please,”  “read a book,”  “tickle me,” “chase me,” “Sing ABCs,” “Strawberries,”  “I do it myself!” I lie quietly and feel so alone.  There are no little feet pushing into my side.  There is no little body pushed against my tummy.  I open my eyes and there are no two sets of big brown eyes staring at me.  The children have gone home.

I have just survived 42 continuous hours caring for Gino and Jessie. Their mother, a 24/7 mom, an Amazon Woman who never stops, finally had the opportunity to have a weekend to herself, to fly off to Monterey to attend the college graduation of a dear friend’s daughter.  Their father, who was to have been on a business trip, was home nursing a physical ailment.  I was asked and gleefully accepted to care for my two grandchildren.  No problem, I have raised three children, I can do this!

I now understand why we are fertile only when we are young.  I begin to think that my body may actually have an expiration date.  Being the fulltime caregiver of 2 toddlers is an extremely taxing responsibility and yet, one that fills all the cracks and crevices in a psyche.  While their attention spans last about 3 minutes, I seem to go from pillar to post in an attempt to keep them occupied.

We went for walks,

we went for rides, 

we visited Bump at the golf course and got cookies from Kate.  

We visited the neighborhood dogs and watered the plants in the garden.  

We played with Play Dough 

and navigated Youtube for Kids for videos on the tablet, 

we worked puzzles.  

We ate  strawberries,

               eggs, 

chicken, Panda Cookies, hotdogs with ketchup, Panda Cookies, Big Bird Bars, 

Pizza, 

pasta, Panda Cookies,                              ice cream, 

cupcakes, and.... Panda Cookies.  

We looked for boats on the ocean.  We read books, we sang songs, we played Zingo.

I even imported some help in the form of cousin, Gabriel, who helped keep Gino occupied by building Legos and talking about Super Heroes. 

Both toddlers are talkers and the day is filled with “why?”  At times I cannot understand what Jessie is saying as she speaks to me with her eyes wide open and a little smile on her face.  I turn to my translator, Gino, and ask, “What is your sister saying?”  Jessie turns to him and repeats what she has said.  He turns to me and says, “She says she wants to sing ‘wheels on the bus.’”

The house looks like a train wreck.  Jay tries to pick up the trail of toys but I tell him to just leave it be.  The toys will back on the floor in two minutes.  Jay plays fetch and carry, bringing me their water, a tissue, some more Panda Cookies from the storeroom.  We look at each other over their little heads and exchange a nod of understanding and support.

As the day wears on and they become tired, we put on pajamas, we brush our teeth, we get our blankets, and we sit in the rocker…one child on each leg…and after negotiating which song we will sing first (of course they each want a different song!) we begin to rock and close our eyes.  

The next trick is navigating two sleeping bodies to the bed.  They co-sleep as a family so I get to spend the next 8 hours sleeping with two little bodies pressed up against me.  I lie there and feel their little chests rise and fall with each breath. I look at them and see their perfect little faces still at last and I am filled with a sense of wonder and a feeling of fierce love.

It is Sunday around noon and their father comes to pick them up.  They have had a bath, their hair is brushed, their clothes are packed in the suitcase, their snacks in the snack bag, their toys in the toy bag.  They give me hugs good-by and pull out of the driveway with Daddy, eager to see Mommy who will be home in a few hours.

I return to the house, sit in the recliner and sleep for 2 ½ hours.  

And this morning I wake up to a silent and still house.  I feel empty.  I have read many articles on how grandparents can impact a grandchild’s life.  But it is a mutual admiration society.  The impact of a grandchild on a grandparent’s life cannot be measured!  We all need to experience unconditional love and that is what I receive a hundred fold from these two little ones.  I would fight tigers for them.  But for now, I have to go buy some more Panda Cookies!

I Am An Aging Woman - Appreciating My Body

How did we do life before we had smartphones?  I could write numerous posts about how this little instrument has changed the way I navigate through life…some good and some not so good.  But for today, I am just going to focus on one aspect of it…the sending and receiving of short videos to and from my grandchildren.  

Since I have not yet learned how to bilocate, there are times when I am not able to be present for one of their activities, like yesterday’s “away” football game for Gabe’s team.  Jay and I attend all of his home games and Murphy’s Law…the one we miss is the one where he catches a pass and runs 40 yards before being tackled!  But, not to fear, on the bus on his way back to the school, Gabe sent me a text with a little video attached showing me in real time the execution of this wonderful moment!

As for Gino and Jessie…they are 2 ½ and 1 years old.  Everyday brings a new accomplishment and I get to see it on a video text…first steps, dirty chocolate hands and cheeks, a new monster mask, singing a new song, playing at the playground.  

Sometimes, like this morning, I received a “Good Morning, Mima” video from the 2 of them both chattering to me.  So I decided to reciprocate and I took a selfie video of me talking to them, thanking them for the morning message and asking about their day.  Charlotte said they loved it so I played it back to me to see what they saw.

Here comes the “not so good” part of this little instrument.  Have you ever looked at yourself on an up-close-and-personal selfie video!  Do I really look like that!  It is not complimentary.  So aged, so weathered, so worn. That is not how I look in my mind.  It was sobering.

Later in the morning I dragged my aged, weathered and worn body to the clubhouse for the weekly yoga class.  As I sat on my mat and stretched over my outstretched leg, I looked at it.  

The skin is dry despite the lotion I lather on.  There are little age spots I keep saying are freckles. I found myself massaging my leg and I became overwhelmed with a feeling of great tenderness.  I realized that this leg is 75 years old.  It is still serving me well.  I am able to take short hikes with my friend, Cindy.  I am able to stoop to weed my garden.  I am able to push the double stroller with two toddlers.  I looked at my arms and hands, both reflecting the passage of time, and think of how I am able to knit, cook meals, change diapers, even hoist up my “big boy” Gino, caress Jay’s cheek. 

I felt a tremendous sense of gratitude for this body of mine, this aged, weathered and worn body of mine.  It is not giving up yet.  The privilege of growing older is the best thing that has happened to me.  Rather than delete my selfies, I will rejoice in the fact that I am still here, that today is one more opportunity to begin again…to tell those in my life that I love them...to drink another glass of wine...  to listen to a happy song...to laugh with my husband...to try to have a positive impact.  But I think I will still refrain from selfies!  I am not blind!  But, I am grateful!

(Note: This is the first time I have embedded videos in a post, so I apologize in advance if they don't work!)

I Am A Renovator - The Process of Renewal

When Jay and I bought our manufactured home almost 3 years ago, we knew that what we were purchasing was the view from our deck of the fantastic Pacific Ocean.  

The house itself was old, worn and tired, but so were we.  We said we could clean it up and make it work and when it didn’t we would go out and sit on the deck!   

Gradually we made small improvements and it was certainly livable…except for the OLD (read cracked, stained, dirty grout) tile floor 

and the embarrassing old, worn guest bathroom.   So we did the math and decided to replace the tile floor, replace the old, worn and tired appliances and redo the small bathroom.

 

It has been 4 weeks of contractors in the house and we are in the home stretch. Now there are shiny new appliances gracing the lovely new tile flooring in my kitchen, a small bathroom that welcomes guests

and when I glance into them, I smile and my heart lifts.

While all this contracted renovation was going on, something else was occurring.  I realized how similar I felt about myself and my life.  I am also older, worn a bit, and crackly. I began to feel a desire to relook at other things in my house, my life and my body.  I began a broader  “renovation campaign.”  In my house, I saw piles of magazines that had been accumulating and sat down to go through and decide what to keep and what to give away.  I saw messy drawers and took 10 minutes to empty the contents, refold and neaten the items.   

And each time, afterwards, I would smile and my heart would lift.  

In my life, I saw things hidden away that I used to enjoy (pictures, music cd’s), and began to take them out, clean them up and put them within easy reach. I recalled activities that I had engaged in but somehow forgot, like a few minutes of morning meditation or being more mindful during the day, and began to make new commitments.  And each time, I would smile and feel my heart lift.

These tasks led me to relook at the noise and clutter in my head…the thoughts that create a messiness in my mind.  The thoughts I hold about my body, my age, my future.  How do I renovate them?  I AM old and worn and my parts CAN'T be replaced.  Yet, somehow this remodel has had a psychological effect on me that is positive.  Rather than thinking of possible future changes, I am content and happy to stay in this present moment and appreciate what is.  My body, though aging, still serves me well.  I am surrounded by people I love and who love me. 

 I have opportunities to share myself with them.   

So what started as a little renovation project, has expanded...mission creep...into many more areas of my life.  The gift is that with these thoughts in my head,  I can say that I feel  “spruced up,” younger, more energetic. 

So, I smile and feel my heart lift.  

  I think I will go sit on the deck!