I Am A Work in Progress – Trying to Claim my Authenticity

There are numerous articles written on how to discover yourself.  They are mostly targeting adolescence and young adults trying to find their way in life.  Where do I find a manual for a woman who finds herself between 65 years and death, a woman who wants to be authentic?  

Each phase of life seems to be a time of discovery… a shedding of a skin that no longer fits and an evolution into a more fully developed being.  It goes beyond deciding to no longer color my graying hair.  It is a personal soul-searching, trying to claim the person I am discovering myself to be.  What do I do with this discovery?  How do I live it?  How do I continue to be embracing of all, respectful of others’ positions, honoring the differences while not having to hide what is in the depth of my being?

I was never really an activist.  I didn’t burn my bra.  I have not joined marches. I was not a “flower-child” in the 60’s.  I was a young mother trying to feed my children and sew my curtains.  I have struggled to discover my truth and it is hard, because I am able to see different points of view and I get confused.  Like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof,  I say “on the one hand…” but “on the other hand…”  I am able see the rationale that is buried in the position of someone who may differ from me.  This  makes me feel wishy-washy.  I ask myself “Where do I really stand?  What do I really value?  What is my honest opinion?”

I find these days of political turmoil and division in society very painful. I read the newspapers, magazines and “tweets” and I am filled with reaction.   I am a social person and I value the friendships that I have formed over the years.  And while I may hear a dear friend voice an opinion with which I do not concur, I honor my friend’s right to hold that opinion.  Yet it does can place me in a difficult position.  Do I say nothing…just smile…accept what they say…and keep the peace?  Do I say something…honor my position…speak my truth, hopefully in a civil manner, and risk alienating my friend? 

I do not like discord; I avoid confrontation.  I recall being told that I was unrealistic…a dreamer.  I want everyone to get along and it can’t always be like that.

So my current journey is to first try to identify my real values.  What do I hold non-negotiable?  What will I hold on to no matter what, my true North?  I pretend I am in a rowboat and it is sinking.  In the boat with me are all the things I hold dear…and I ask myself, “What am I willing to throw out to keep the boat from sinking?” 

What I am left with in the boat are always the same things.  

First of all it is Life, that sense of being fully alive, filled with a spirit that makes me who I am. I have always known that there are those who “give me life,” energize me and make me feel more myself…my Life-givers.  And there are those who “deplete my life,” with whom I feel the life in me being sucked out, like a balloon being deflated.  I want to be a Life-giver not a Life-taker.  I want to be with Life-givers and avoid Life-takers.  It is Love, being connected in the heart to others, my family and friends.  It is Respect for myself and for others, acknowledging that no one is better than another.  It is Compassion knowing that everyone is just trying to do life and we are all trying to help each other home.  It is Integrity being able to trust the honesty in my words and actions, and those of others. It is Hope, that there is always possibility.   These are the values I hold dear and I think describe my soul.

The next step for me is to allow these values to guide me and shape my priorities.  If I believe that my presence on this planet has something to contribute to the greater good, than I have to be authentic and put it out there. It does not mean that others must agree.  While it might not be right for others, it is right for me.  

I am stumbling around these days trying to be true to myself, to share my truth.  In our present arena, when so much flies in the face of my own personal values I am not as brave as I wish I were.  I am reminded of the quote “All it takes for Evil to triumph is for good men (and women) to do nothing (remain silent.)” How do I contribute to the common discourse in conversations, writings, social media?  This is my dilemma and my challenge; to do so in a way that imparts Life, Love, Respect, Compassion, Integrity and Hope. 

Stay tuned….