How wonderful is the human
psyche!!! Thoughout my life, when I have
thought of some potentially difficult, anticipated time in my future, I have wondered how I would be
able to “deal with” it. And yet, when
the time came, something inside me had shifted and I discovered that I was ready for this new
event. I especially think of this now as
I am in the later phases of my life and many of those future events have
arrived and are my new present.
One of those future events was knowing when the time was
right to “give up the bottle,” to stop my monthly appointment with Sebastian,
to have him carefully apply color #12 to hide my roots and keep my crowning
glory a lovely, luxurious brunette. For
the last couple of years the thought would fleetingly cross my mind, but I
would say, “No, not yet!” I would ask
Jay for his opinion and he would say, “No, not yet!” Were we both trying to hold back time? I was hesitant because the image I hold of
myself in my mind’s eye is of a vibrant, alive, 40 year old woman.
I was not yet ready to be elderly. I did not want to be seen as elderly and I
did not want to be treated as elderly.
And, I guess Jay didn’t want to think he had an elderly wife!
But as time has passed, I am reminded each morning that
the woman I see in the mirror is not 40 years old. I have fine wrinkle lines on my cheeks that
remind me of my mother. The skin is no longer tight and elastic, but
is soft and “squishy” (to quote Gino). My complexion is varied and dotted with
occasional age spots. And the graying
roots of my hair are outlining my face.
I am trying to get to know this woman.
When I sit quietly with her and take a simple internal inventory, I discover
that this woman is in a good place. She
is content with her life. She is no
longer running on a treadmill, trying to prove herself worthy, trying to please
everyone, trying to control the world.
She is at peace and grateful for all the good in her life. She worries much less. She knows she is loved by those who are
important to her and she is happy. I can
see this in her face when I look at her in the mirror. She is ready to embrace her natural
hair. At least, she is ready to try.
So a month ago, I had Sebastian just cut and blow dry my
hair. He is not quite sure I am ready,
but he is being supportive. Jay says,
“Go for it!” My sons say since they
currently have more gray hair showing than I do that it would balance the
scales if their mom was also gray. My
daughters assure me that I am not loved for my hair but for my heart. So I will see how it goes. I don’t know
what my natural hair will look like. Who
knows, maybe I will be a Silver Fox!
It has been one month since I began this “going gray
journey!” The passage has been
interesting. Each day, as I checked in the mirror, I saw a little more
gray and instead of making me feel older, it made me feel
energized…happy…authentic…as if I was “claiming” myself.
I would catch Jay looking at me and ask, “Do
you feel like you are sitting next to your mother?” He would laugh and say, “No, in fact, I like
it!”
Here are my before and after (first haircut) pictures: By the next haircut, all the colored
“highlights” should be gone.
The only
concern I am still holding on to is the reaction of Gino and Jessie, who have
not seen it yet. They notice every
little thing. Once after I washed my
face (and was minus my “enhanced” eyebrows) Gino asked, “What happened to your
face? Why is it a new face?”
What is my lesson in this? I guess it is to trust in life. To just show up for it and let it happen. There are still some potentially difficult, anticipated times in my future. I can try to prepare but I can also hold on to the knowledge that when the time comes, I will be able to handle it.
Stay tuned…
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