I Am A Work in Progress – Trying to Claim my Authenticity

There are numerous articles written on how to discover yourself.  They are mostly targeting adolescence and young adults trying to find their way in life.  Where do I find a manual for a woman who finds herself between 65 years and death, a woman who wants to be authentic?  

Each phase of life seems to be a time of discovery… a shedding of a skin that no longer fits and an evolution into a more fully developed being.  It goes beyond deciding to no longer color my graying hair.  It is a personal soul-searching, trying to claim the person I am discovering myself to be.  What do I do with this discovery?  How do I live it?  How do I continue to be embracing of all, respectful of others’ positions, honoring the differences while not having to hide what is in the depth of my being?

I was never really an activist.  I didn’t burn my bra.  I have not joined marches. I was not a “flower-child” in the 60’s.  I was a young mother trying to feed my children and sew my curtains.  I have struggled to discover my truth and it is hard, because I am able to see different points of view and I get confused.  Like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof,  I say “on the one hand…” but “on the other hand…”  I am able see the rationale that is buried in the position of someone who may differ from me.  This  makes me feel wishy-washy.  I ask myself “Where do I really stand?  What do I really value?  What is my honest opinion?”

I find these days of political turmoil and division in society very painful. I read the newspapers, magazines and “tweets” and I am filled with reaction.   I am a social person and I value the friendships that I have formed over the years.  And while I may hear a dear friend voice an opinion with which I do not concur, I honor my friend’s right to hold that opinion.  Yet it does can place me in a difficult position.  Do I say nothing…just smile…accept what they say…and keep the peace?  Do I say something…honor my position…speak my truth, hopefully in a civil manner, and risk alienating my friend? 

I do not like discord; I avoid confrontation.  I recall being told that I was unrealistic…a dreamer.  I want everyone to get along and it can’t always be like that.

So my current journey is to first try to identify my real values.  What do I hold non-negotiable?  What will I hold on to no matter what, my true North?  I pretend I am in a rowboat and it is sinking.  In the boat with me are all the things I hold dear…and I ask myself, “What am I willing to throw out to keep the boat from sinking?” 

What I am left with in the boat are always the same things.  

First of all it is Life, that sense of being fully alive, filled with a spirit that makes me who I am. I have always known that there are those who “give me life,” energize me and make me feel more myself…my Life-givers.  And there are those who “deplete my life,” with whom I feel the life in me being sucked out, like a balloon being deflated.  I want to be a Life-giver not a Life-taker.  I want to be with Life-givers and avoid Life-takers.  It is Love, being connected in the heart to others, my family and friends.  It is Respect for myself and for others, acknowledging that no one is better than another.  It is Compassion knowing that everyone is just trying to do life and we are all trying to help each other home.  It is Integrity being able to trust the honesty in my words and actions, and those of others. It is Hope, that there is always possibility.   These are the values I hold dear and I think describe my soul.

The next step for me is to allow these values to guide me and shape my priorities.  If I believe that my presence on this planet has something to contribute to the greater good, than I have to be authentic and put it out there. It does not mean that others must agree.  While it might not be right for others, it is right for me.  

I am stumbling around these days trying to be true to myself, to share my truth.  In our present arena, when so much flies in the face of my own personal values I am not as brave as I wish I were.  I am reminded of the quote “All it takes for Evil to triumph is for good men (and women) to do nothing (remain silent.)” How do I contribute to the common discourse in conversations, writings, social media?  This is my dilemma and my challenge; to do so in a way that imparts Life, Love, Respect, Compassion, Integrity and Hope. 

Stay tuned….

I Am A Day-Tripper – An Afternoon in Malaga Cove

Jay and I enjoy our little home in PV Shores so much that we can easily stay within the park for days at a time.  So, yesterday with a shining sun, a beautiful ocean and a gentle breeze, I convinced Jay we needed to go on an outing to Malaga Cove!  As we drove along the coast, the streams of people hiking along the trails were a testament to the Palos Verdes Peninsula scenic beauty. 

I have been attending a weekly gathering of artists and heard of the Summer Art Show at Malaga Cove. My plan was to go, to look and to learn from the art of others.   

I was excited to find my new friend, artist Georgeann, displaying many of her wonderful works.   

Jay was not as excited as I, so I released him to go find a cup of coffee and a breakfast sandwich while I continued to browse.

On our way back to the car, we spotted a sign and Jay’s breathing began to quicken. A Book Sale at the Malaga Cove Library!  

 So we browsed and he bought.

 

On the way home we stopped by La Venta Inn for a moment of silent pause as we remembered our wonderful wedding here 16 years ago. (sigh)

 

We both returned home quite satisfied with our outing.

TOPIC SHIFT!

I have just finished reading the book, Being Mortal by Atul Gawande.  

It was not a fun read, to be reminded of my ultimate mortality and the reality of aging.  But interestingly enough, I was so glad I read it and was left with a sense of optimism, increased understanding and acceptance.  

One quote that resonated with me was “how we seek to spend our time may depend on how much time we perceive ourselves to have.”  When was young and in my prime, I felt like I would live forever.  There was plenty of time to do all the things I wanted to do.  But now, while I still enjoy an active life, I am aware of my horizon.  As I attend funeral services for my peers, I hear the bell tolling.  While I truly hope I have many more years to enjoy life, I am aware that my future is finite and it is uncertain.  Life can change in an instant.  

There is good news in this!  My perspective is shifting; my focus and values are realigning.   

I cannot waste precious time being upset, carrying a grudge, nursing a perceived slight.  

I cannot waste precious time proving that I am right about every little opinion.   

I am learning that “no” is a complete sentence and I do not have to DO everything.   

I give myself time to just BE rather than Do.  

I find I am choosing differently…focusing on the here and now, to everyday pleasures, doing things that I enjoy and being with people who fill my soul, my family and friends, the people closest to me.

Everytime I write a blog post, I am amazed at how it writes itself and where it takes me.  This was to be a post about a short outing and it ends up being a philosophical blurb about life.  In the end, it doesn’t even matter if I actually post it.  Just writing it has been a gift to me.

Now, I think I will pick up my paintbrush and see if I can add to that view of Catalina Island from my deck!

I Am A Micro-Lender – Participating in Kiva Loans

The more I mature (read "age"), the more I am aware of how fortunate I am.  I don’t have to look far to see someone whose life has more challenges, more worries, more insecurity, and less options than I have experienced.  I am forever grateful to our friend, H.E. Kamiya, for introducing us to idea of micro-lending through KIVA as a small, easy way to make a difference in someone else’s life.  With a click of a key on the keyboard, we can contribute as little as $25 to help fund a micro-loan for someone in need.  Over time, penny by penny, the loans have been repaid and once completed, we can relend that same $25 to someone else.  It feels very personal because we can read the requests, see a picture of the person, and choose who we want our money to go to.  When enough donors have committed to the loan, it is fully funded.  We receive updates on the loans progress.

Since 2010 we have contributed to 12 loans.  They are located in a variety of places and in various sectors.   

Believing that you get the “most bang for your buck” if you support and educate women, 9 of the 12 loans have been to women…women like:

Mairam a 57 year old woman in Tajikistan who used her money to expand her clothing shop so she could make sure her 6 children could finish university.

The women of a “Pro Mujer” group who would purchase wool to make and sell blankets in LaPaz, Bolivia.

MayJoy in the Philippines who bought fertilizer and farm supplies to assist in her rice farm.

We helped purchase a sewing machine for Zuhro, a single mother in so she can work from home.

And helped Ruzanna in Armenia purchase more land for her horteculture farm.

Not wanting to have too strong a gender bias, we have also supported a few men, like:

Teyyub, in Azerbaijan, who bought 15 sheep and feed 

and Alexander, in the Ukraine, who built a greenhouse with a previous KIVA loan and was requesting a second loan to build a heating system for the greenhouse as well as seed. 

We also helped Afrim, in Kosovo, buy a milk cow to make and sell milk products to support his wife and 3 children.

 

Today we opted to add a few more dollars to our portfolio to support Gladys who lives in a small rural town in Kenya.(Isn't she lovely?)

Overcoming many, many obstacles to improve her life she is finally in a place where she can pursue her education. We applaud her efforts and though the loan is for a long term of 5 years, we want to help her.  If you go here, you can read her story!

10 of our 11 loans have been successful with only one loan defaulting.  Sad to say, the default occurred when we decided to stay closer to home and support a young widowed woman in the United States, California specifically, as she tried to start up a little restaurant.

Being a knitter, I love the image of my life being a tapestry and the threads of the tapestry being all the people that have come together to create my life.  Some colors are more vibrant or more plentiful than others, but all of it makes up my experience of living.  I like to think I can also be a small thread in some other person's tapestry.

I Am A NOW Person – Life at a “Certain Age”

Life is a little different in a 55+ residential community.  We have lived at Palos Verdes Shores for almost a year and a half and we love it.  It is quieter, safer, slower…and it all feels good.  When we pull into the PV Shores Community, we wave to the guard at the gate and sigh… “HOME…We love living here!”  

Just down from the gate is our Message Board, which reminds us of the date (in case we forgot!), the time, the temperature and any notices about upcoming events.  It is like a welcome home.  One day I noticed a person’s name listed on the board. I assumed it was welcoming a new resident and when I remarked to a neighbor that I had never noticed that before and I wondered why our name was not put up when we moved in her response was… “You don’t want your name on the message board!  It is the park’s way of acknowledging the death of one of the residents."

In living at our paradise by the sea that is perfect for our golden years, where we have constant reminders of the beauty and richness of life, we are also reminded that it is fleeting and fragile.  We will not be here forever so we should gather our rosebuds while we may.  Some may find this depressing but for us, it seems to have the opposite effect.  It gives us a deep sense of gratitude for what we have NOW, for the health we experience NOW, for the people in our life we love and enjoy NOW and we take each day as it comes, more willing to just experience the moment and not worry too much about what may come. 

Yes, there are moments of regret, moments of frustration, moments of anger.  I wonder “How did time pass so quickly!”  There are times of nostalgia when wish I could have just a few more moments with my children as little ones, that I could have just one more conversation with my mom or dad.  But they are few and far between.  Lately I seem reluctant to waste precious minutes and energy in holding on to grudges, being annoyed.   

The gift for me of life at a "certain age" is a sense of freedom…liberation.  Why does it take so long to learn that you can put down that rock you are carrying…that is weighing you down.  It is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

I am not being morbid.  I plan to be around for quite a while yet.  What are the odds?  My mother died at 95 years of age and I look like her so maybe I have her genes as well!  But I hope I can use these years wisely and squeeze every bit of “life” out of them, remembering that life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.   

“Look….there is a whale’s spout!”

I Am A Grandmother - Welcoming Gino Bossie Altieri to the World

The past 4 days have been like a whirlwind and my heart is so full.  Marc and Charlotte gave birth to my newest little grandson, Gino Bossie Altieri, born on December 11, 2014, weighing 8 lbs. 4 oz., 21 inches long, and looking perfect…a perfect blend of his mom and his dad.   

I have wanted to write a blog to capture the event but didn’t know what I would write.  How do I capture in words an experience that is beyond words?  But I know that once I start writing, any blog really writes itself…so here goes!

Gino is the son of my third son, Marc...my baby.  I have always been amazed that each of my children has a unique connection to me, and since Marc was 5 years younger than his brother Mike, he and I had time together, as if he was an only child, while his brothers were in school. Because of that, I think we have a unique connection.  We would run errands together during the day, and he would sit in the passenger seat next to me with his little feet barely hanging over the seat edge, and he would chatter away telling me all the important things that were in his little mind.  He told me “I think my hobby is talking!”  And we have always talked.  Sometimes joyfully, sometimes painfully…but we have always talked and shared honestly what was inside of us. 

For years I listened as Marc told me of his desire to have a family.  He didn’t long for fancy things, or status…in fact he seemed to go out of his way to prove he was different.  But he did long for a life partner and a family.  However…he never met a girl that he could connect with in a soulful, meaningful way.  He would tell me that maybe he needed to accept the fact that he would remain a bachelor, that he would never have a family.  I carried his longing in my heart.

Then at 43, he met Charlotte and his life changed.  He found someone who wanted all the love he had to give and would accept him for who he was…would love him with a warmth and sensitivity and spirit  that is priceless.  She was someone that he could gather in, love and protect, support and share life with in a way that was authentic.  They are so good together!

Marc and Charlotte - 2013

So at 44 he became a father and he and Charlotte brought Gino into our life.  I have been amazed at how the two of them approached this birth, truly a team.  Marc went to every Dr.’s appointment, charted her progress, photographed her growing figure, talked to his son in-utero.  He attended lactation classes and ended up knowing more about breastfeeding than I did, after nursing three children. He never left her side through the entire delivery and recovery.

Cutting the cord.

Hi little guy!

First Family Photo!

The day of the birth, it was truly a family event.  Everyone was gathered at the waiting room of Long Beach Memorial Hospital.  

Uncle Fred & Aunt Sharon, Joey & Kimberly, Poppa, Mom & Jay and Mike Pedersen...waiting!

His brother Michael, who was on a business trip, was connected through constant text messages.  Michael even had Facetime with his new nephew via his iPhone just hours after the birth. 

Hi Uncle Mike!

But I honestly don’t know what thrilled me more…the gift of this precious new baby or watching the elation on the face of my son.  

 

In the room, with Charlotte's Aunt Vickee, her brother Brian & Samantha

Parenting is not easy.  Having my three sons has given me the greatest joys and the most intense pain  I have experienced in my life.  All any parent wants for their children is their happiness.  Seeing Marc so radiant with joy…holding his son, calming him, changing is diaper, helping him latch on to Charlotte’s breast, tending to Charlotte’s needs…my heart is so full and I am so grateful.

So this blog did write itself.  And surprise…it was more about Marc than about Gino!  But I guess  that is my perspective as a mother.  We remarked in the waiting room that having a child is having your heart walk outside of your body.  That holds true whether that child is 1 day old or 44 years old.  

The greatest joy for me is that Marc and Charlotte have invited me in.  They have allowed me to be intimately involved in this glorious event.  And isn’t that all any parent longs for…to be allowed to share in their children’s lives…be it joy or sadness…but to share in their lives.

 

Welcome to the world, little Gino Bossie Altieri.   

Every child should be as wanted and loved as you are!