I Am A Student of Life - Awaiting an Oasis

I am a problem solver.  When faced with a sticky situation, I grab paper and pencil and begin my lists. What are my options?  What are the pros and cons of the various choices?  What are the steps needed to reach a desire outcome?  I fool myself into thinking that I actually have some control over the situation...because I have my lists and... I have a plan.  I also will spout, at the drop of a hat, various adages that guide my life:  "You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude about what happens to you."  "Just take the next directed step."  "How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time."  

So I have to say that I am currently in uncharted territory.  I am realizing that there are somethings we do not have control over...and sometimes there is just not the strength to change your attitude.  Sometimes, things can feel so overwhelming that you just want to sit there.

My mother continues to work at her rehabilitation at the skilled nursing center.  She has surprised me with her attitude of acceptance.  She is not a problem patient.  She is not ranting.  She says, "What good would it do, it doesn't change anything." So, she accepts and waits for her Care Attendant to answer her bell.  She waits for me to come to visit her each day.  She waits to be helped into bed.  And each day she wills her muscles to try just a little harder.

December 24, 2011

The future is very murky.  We don't know how my mother will progress.  We do not know what her future needs might be.  We do not know what resources we will need or have available to us.  I am reminded of my youngest son, Marc.  As a child, he had a "blankie" that he loved. If things got too uncomfortable for him, if he was in trouble or upset...he would come into the room where the rest of the family was sitting, so he could be close to his support group...and he would pull his "blankie" over his head and sit there...not having to respond to anyone, not having to say or do anything.  How I wish, at times, that I had a blankie.

I have not been posting because at the moment it feels like the well is dry.  When I am my usual self, I feel fully alive and my juices are flowing.  Right now I feel arid.  But I am not anxious about it.  I am just quiet inside and doing what is necessary to get through each day.  I have a greater appreciation of the energy it takes to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have a greater empathy for those who feel vulnerable when they find themselves in unfamiliar territory.  Life continues to present lessons.  My mother continues to teach me.  Through her example she shows me what it is like to be at the mercy of life's events and how to retain your dignity through it.  The one adage I can count on is that "Tomorrow is another day and...this too shall pass."  I am waiting for the oasis.